Tarp the Volcano

Let’s Tarp the Volcano

Why not? Let’s Tarp the volcano, and shove stimulus funds down its mouth. Tarp and cover; Cover and Tarp.

Only $388 billion of the $700 billion TARP bill has been allocated. That’s a good cushion. And then we have unspent stimulus funds. The American Way is to throw money at problems. We have the money to Tarp the volcano. Throw it on.

No tiny Icelandic volcano should ever be allowed to shut down international air travel. The boldness of the volcano with an unpronounceable name is an affront to humanity, science, and global warming.

Starting with Plymouth Rock, Americans have let no rock, not even the Rockies, stand in the way of Manifest Destiny.

Our global economy must be resilient enough to withstand any volcano. Organized labor can’t stop global trade. The WTO protestors couldn’t still the global economy. Neither can protectionists. Therefore, no rock can stand in the way.

We are either stronger than earth, wind, fire, and ice, or Thales was right and millennia of metaphysics false.

We’ve grown since the ancient Greeks, but you’re still but a rock.

Not one week! Not one day! Not one hour! Not one minute! No mas! Never again!

We shall bio-engineer and channel the raw forces of nature. Man shall master nature, the volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes, typhoons, cyclones, earthquakes, and floods.

Iceland is the opportunity to begin: Small country; few people. No NEPA.

Man must surmount nature. Be not afraid.

Who are we to let a 4.54 billion year old third rock from the sun beat us? It’s a dumb rock. We are smart.

We have soul. We have immutable rules of science and physics.

We have the Army Corps of Engineers, which can dam anything that flows.

We can Google anything. No rock can match Silicon Valley.

We can vulcanize and synthesize rubber, macadamize roads, pulverize coal, smash atoms, crack the DNA curve, and turn silica into glass (almost alchemy). The volcano is but a hot rock.

We can sheetrock, and drywall, and rock wool.

We can even rock.

But a rock is but a rock.

The volcano shall not be allowed to defy gravity. Nature cannot usurp Sir Isaac Newton. Man has the genius to transcend gravity. Man must rule. Not nature.

Primeval, primordial, raw, untamed forces, wild nature may have frightened the Neanderthal, but we are Homo sapiens, the wise man.

PAVE THE CRATER! Tarp the Volcano! Vent the heat!

Convert the volcano into geothermal energy.

Stimulate the economy!

Not enough “shovel ready” plans were available upon enactment of the Stimulus Bill.

No problem. Shovels are too small for this project. It’s time to once again think big.

No shovels necessary. Just load the planes and then open the D.B. Cooper rear doors on the 727’s. Let it pour out the back.

We turn rocks into monuments and parks, but they’re just rocks.

A rock can be a landmark, because it doesn’t move; it doesn’t even rock.

Rocks include Big Rock, the Blarney Stone, Castle Rock, Devil’s Rock, Eagle Rock, Falling Rocks, Little Rock, the Painted Rock, Rock Springs, Rocky Point, Tiny Peebles, Turtle Rock, and The Rock, but they’re just rocks.

Georgia O’Keefe could paint rocks, but she made flowers sexy. A rock is but a rock.

A pile of rocks is but a rock pile.

Simon and Garfunkel sang “I am a rock; I am an island,” but that was symbolic. The Rock of Chickamauga was a general.

A Colorado Rocky Mountain High needs human intervention.

The volcano is but a rock.

If the volcano is in fact shrinking, then now is the perfect time. The risk is small, but the learning opportunity is great. Learn on the small, and apply to the large. Sometimes, to quote the once and perhaps future Governor Brown, “less is more.” Place Vulcan’s forge and anvil on the Tarped dome.

Reassert man’s primacy.

No Old Testament Act of God shall be allowed to defy modern Acts of Man.

A rock is but a rock.

Some people we know have the IQ of a rock.

Many boxers are named Rocky (Marciano, Balboa), but I’m not sure that’s a compliment. A wrestler was the Rock, but he wasn’t.

A moon rock is but a rock.

The learning curve is critical because this volcano apparently has a sleeping cousin, which may be awakening.

The Stimulus Bill has a Buy American clause. Perfect. We use Boeing jets, American aircrews, USA asphalt and concrete in a non-stop shuttle to the volcano and back. All the Way With USA. We’ll bail out the New York City asphalt plant and bring back full employment to JFK.

We will restore our economy overnight, and some might even spill over into the Maritime Provinces of Canada, part of our Good Neighbor Policy.

If we are going to burn up the funds anyway, then why not on a volcano’s magma?

Yes, we can!