Sunday, September 5, 2010

The FBI Takes BP's Blowout Preventer Into Custody

The Gulf Oil Well Blowout must be over.

BP just pulled up the non-functioning blowout preventer (BP) in full view of an army of BP lawyers, and their billable hours in six minute increments. The FBI immediately took BP’s BP into custody to be taken to a NASA facility in Louisiana.

We're not sure if the BP is now an object of interest or simply in protective custody. The tight lipped FBI is not saying. We do know the FBI seized the BP over the objections of Trans Ocean and Cameron Industries, the BP manufacturer.

The FBI took custody – not the Coast Guard, National Academy of Engineering, Department of the Interior, Marine Materials Services and its successors, NOAA, EPA, much less BP, TransOcean, Halliburton, Cameron Industries, or the minority owners Anadarko or Mitsui.

The FBI read the BP its Macando Rights. The BP is facing 11 counts of inanimate homicide and 17 counts of inanimate battery, but has not yet been charged. Indeed, the BP proved on April 20 that it could not take a charge.

The FBI took custody of an inanimate object, a truly inanimate object as shown on April 20, 2010. It could not resist arrest, much less the flow of oil. Nor does it need to be fed or clothed. Can you imagine the 50’ tall BP in prison jumpsuit orange?

Rumors are that the FBI became interested in the case when it heard crimes were being committed in the Gulf of Mexico. A “Top kill” was to be committed in offshore waters. The Agency’s interest was piqued by rumors of “skimmers,” (money laundering) ”in situ,” (it sounds bad even if we don’t know what it means), “hydro-static kill,” “riser insertion tubes,” and “Nalco and Corexit,” which could be Mexcan highs. Methane hydrate crystals sounds like meth, and the "blind sheer ram" could be the second coming of the Blind Sheik Rahman.

The FBI's interest is completely understandable.

The FBI also wanted to stay in the good graces of President Obama, who is suspected of an anti-British animus. One of the President’s first acts after inauguration was to send the Churchill Bust back to England, committing a diplomatic bust in the process.

The FBI took the 300 ton BP into custody. It will strip search the BP, invade all its body cavities, and conduct a full body scan. The BP can’t lawyer up, unlike Donald Vidrine, BP’s senior manager on the Global Horizon. The experts will pore over the secrets of the BP sheer ram.

It's probably not protective custody therefore.

The fate of lawyers hangs on the outcome.

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