Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Tom Turkey is Terrorizing Toms River Before Thanksgiving
Residents of New Jersey's Toms River, including Holiday City, are complaining of an invasion of a gang of gangly wild turkeys. The Toms River Terrorist Tom Turkeys have terrorized Toms River. Crips, Bloods, Latin Kings, Hells Angels. Those are gangs. No self-respecting gang will be called The Turkeys! The wild turkeys bite, break windows, peck at cars, defecate and otherwise terrorize the community. The New Jersey residents are at a loss. They have lost their independence and spirit of self-help. The hapless Toms River officials are acting like turkeys. One official analogized the turkeys to speed bumps. Speed bumps don’t go 20MPH. Another said: “It’s nuisance wildlife we are not licensed to trap, relocate, or as they use the word, harass the turkeys or any wildlife, for that matter that’s a nuisance.” Sexual harassment is bad, but when did turkey harassment become verboten? The turkeys showed up in time for Thanksgiving, just like manna from heaven. Hunting wild turkeys is dangerous. The hunter must emulate the cooing of a female hen, attracting the male turkey into the open, hoping not to be shot by a drunken hunter shooting at the sound of the females. These turkeys are in the open, primed for plucking. The citizens should seize the opportunity. 25 pounds of organic, protein full turkeys for Thanksgiving. None of the caged fed supermarket turkeys. Baste the wild turkeys with Wild Turkey Bourbon. 60 wild turkeys could last for months. Write a Toms River Turkey Cookbook: Turkey Soup. Turkey Noodle Soup. Turkey Bacon. Turkey Burgers. Turkey Sausage. Turkey Casserole. Turkey Meatballs. Turkey Sandwiches. Turkey Stew. Ground Turkey. Turkey Cold Cuts. Boiled Turkey. Fried Turkey. Smoked Turkey. Turkey in a Crockpot. The Classic Turkey Legs They could also inaugurate the Annual Toms River Tom Turkey Derby with racing turkeys. The Toms River residents should remember Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird. They should respect the birds; give them their space. Instead they’re acting like the passengers on the sinking Titanic when the band played Turkey in the Straw.