Wednesday, February 25, 2015
CSIs Investigate the Death of Oscar
The Academy has called in TV’s CSI teams to conduct a forensic analysis of the slow, painful death of OSCAR while NCIS looks for the missing American Sniper. The corpse was shrouded in 50 shades of gray for the post-mortem. The coroner’s cause of death is listed as terminal ennui. Captain Brass is searching for the man who streaked the OSCARs in his briefs. A court order is sought to enjoin Jack Black from ever again interrupting the opening number, or even speaking at any future awards. He set the theme by basically saying movies were irrelevant. The FBI issued bolos for Harvey Weinstein, Bruce Vilanch, Joan Rivers, LEGOS, the audience, and Jack Kevokian. Oscar’s been terminal for some time. Viewership dropped 16% this year, or slightly less than 1/6 from last year. The theory of everything in Hollywood is viewership. The Oscars are losing. They are but an imitation of their former selves. James Franco phoned it in a few years ago. This year the viewers tuned it out. Billy Crystal said no. Ellen Degeneres said no. Neal Patrick Harris had proven himself in the Emmys and Tonys. He should have said no as his talent was wasted. We watch the Oscars to view the best of Hollywood. Once again, we got J Lo’s cleavage. Don’t the Oscars have anything else to show? We saw Benedict Cumberbatch sipping from a flask. We saw little of the best movies, and less of the Hollywood greats. Glory was the only glory in these Oscars. Lady Gaga rocked on 50 year old songs – a statement on the current status of the Oscars. Neal Patrick Harris suffered whiplash darting between the seat fillers. The winners deserved their Oscars, but America did not deserve this Oscars. Bette Davis said she named the Oscars after her ex-husband’s butt. We were the butt of the Oscar’s deflated jokes this year. The time has come to bring back David Letterman and his Stupid Pet tricks.