Fear not if the Dallas Cowboys don’t play, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders don’t perform; the Dallas Desire may still do Dallas.
Fear not the NFL Lockout. The Lingerie League is here, and it is not a Fantasy League.
The field is only 50 Yards long. Half the distance - twice the fun. Each half is 17 minutes with a possible three time outs, of which a maximum of 2 can be called to adjust makeup. The team physician is a plastic surgeon.
Team names are provocative.
No pansies such as Bears, Jaguars, Lions, Panthers, or Tigers.
No politically incorrect names such as Chiefs, Indians, and Redskins.
This is not your grandfather’s roller derby team, the Bay City Bombers.
The teams, always subject to change, include the Baltimore Charm, Philadelphia Passion, Chicago Bliss, San Diego Seduction, Los Angeles Temptation, and Las Vegas Sin. A new team is the Green Bay Chill. The players will never be confused with Cheeseheads. Still awaiting are the Detroit Divas, Flint Flirts, Fort Worth Foxes, New York Nymphs,Texas Teasers, and Vancouver Vixens.
The players have to learn a new vocabulary.
Split ends are wide receivers and not a bad hair day.
The Hail Mary is not a Christian prayer.
Cover 2 is not the photo spread on the inside cover.
A chop block is not in the kitchen.
A clipping is not a hair cut.
Fade out is a play and not mascara.
Student Body Left is not a political statement; indeed, a college degree is not required.
36-24-36 is a play call and not Marilyn Monroe’s figure.
The taxi squad is, well, never mind.
Check out the tight ends and tail backs.
Savor the naked bootleg.
Love the spread formation.
Admire the moves.
Pay close attention to the sideline action. 20 players are on a team, but only 14 can suit up at a time. Game play is 7 on 7.
All players have to put out 100%.
The quarterback is known as The Goddess.
The Goddess makes passes at everyone.
Anticipate the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction moment.
The rules for drug tests are precise:
Steroids – NO
Silicone – YES
The uniforms consist of shoulder pads, elbow pads, knee pads, garters, sports bras, panties, and helmets with visors.
Think of a pigskin without the pig.
Think Hooters with a ball and not a plate.
There is no beef on the line.
A breach of contract exists for wearing unapproved apparel ; no excessive covering of skin.
The founder of the League explained the marketing objective is “mostly beer-drinking college students aged 21 and up.” That explains it all.
League rules include no field goals or punts; hence no touchbacks, although back touching is allowed.
Out of a spirit of equality, the cheerleaders should be Chippendales.