Friday, December 10, 2010

Caution: Phone Sex is Dangerous to Your Health in Wisconsin

Forget Teleflora – Tell her by phone you love her. Your voice is sexier than any brocade of flowers. You can still whisper sweet nothings into her ear through the receiver. Tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her, as long as you are not paying by the minute.

Arouse your partner through phone sex.

Phone sex is safe sex - almost as safe as total abstinence - no pregnancies, std's or proving you're sponge worthy

Technology is great. Attach a videocam to your computer. A picture is truly worth more than a thousand words.

Use the video camera on your cell phone

Try to use a land line. Cell phone calls can be intercepted. Just ask Prince Charming/Charles. His cell call to his then girl friend Camilla Parker-Bowles was taped. He spoke from the heart, not his brain, or perhaps from both, since he’s not reputed to be the brightest:

“I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out. Oh God, I’ll just live inside your trousers or something – it would be much easier.”

He then wished he was her tampon.

How romantic can you get?

She later married him.

The younger generation loves to text or sextext. Immature teenagers email intimate photos of themselves. Precious little is left to the imagination, or sometimes the prosecutor.

Of course, Bret Favre has recently been accused of attempting to seduce an unwilling woman by sending her a photo of Little Bret. It did not arouse the interest he intended.

Texting can be dangerous to your health or marriage. A year ago on Thanksgiving, Elin caught her husband, Tiger Woods, texting one of many girlfriend. He couldn’t claim a wrong number. Elin supposedly yanked the phone out of his hand. She glanced through the memory, and then allegedly attacked him with his own cell phone. That is phonic justice.

He also left an incriminating message on another girl friend’s answering machine.

It’s hard to believe he went to Stanford.

This past Thanksgiving weekend witnessed a phone tragedy. 46 year old Garron Lewis was engaged in real sex in Milwaukee with 44 year old Sharron Dorsey. Her phone rang. She answered the phone – a fatal mistake. We’re not sure if it was coitis interruptus, coitis boredom, or an affront to Garron’s manhood, but he responded by strangling her with a belt. The Coroner ruled it asphyxiation due to strangulation, but we know it to be bad phone sex.

She should have just phoned it in.

2 comments:

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