President Obama's Happy New Year Message to the American People From a Hawaii Golf Course

“Happy New year America. We still have so much to accomplish this year, my last full year as President. Don’t believe the naysayers who say I’m a lame duck. Not me. We have so much to accomplish this year as I fulfill my 2008 campaign promises. Presidents Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter and George H. W. Bush were dead ducks once they lost their reelection bids. Not me; I won big over the hapless Mitt Romney. Presidents Lyndon Baines Johnson, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were lame ducks because their presidencies were exhausted. Not me. I’ve spent the past 7 years golfing and vacationing at taxpayer expense to stay refreshed rather than reading daily briefings and position papers. Martha’s Vineyard in the summer and Oahu during winter are invigorating. My golf game is better than ever. The most immediate goal is to close GITMO. I promised it, and I fulfill my campaign promises, unlike most candidates. GITMO will close, despite Congressional objections, even if I have to release some of the detainees onto the streets. I’m not worried about Congress. They will not impeach me no matter what I do this year. Our Congressional policy remains simple – Stonewall. I’m also not worried about the Supreme Court. Any decisions will be decided after my term in office is long over. Besides, we proved we could intimidate Chief Justice Roberts on the two critical ObamaCare opinions. My legacy of fundamentally transforming America rests on the election of Hillary Clinton as my successor. My Administration, my guys, will not indict her, period. Islamic terrorism, despite reports to the contrary, does not exist. I know from my wonderful, youthful years growing up in Islamic Indonesia that Muslims are peaceful. Therefore any terrorists cannot be true Muslims. If there are any new attacks on our safe homeland I will first reaffirm that we should not blame Islam and Muslims for the attacks. Second, I will use the attacks as a call for further gun control. I know that I did not expressly campaign for gun control in 2008, but you all really knew I supported gun control and gay marriage. I just wasn’t ready to come out then. I will announce executive orders next week that will bypass Congress on gun control. I will continue to unilaterally implement open borders as well as de facto amnesty for those already here. My foreign policy is premised on the United States being an imperialistic power, which must change. We have pulled out of Iraq, as promised. We have one more year to leave Afghanistan, as promised. We have stayed out of the quicksand of the Mideast and will remain out of China and Russia’s way. I recognize Iran as the true power in the Mideast, and will continue to practice appeasement with the Mullahs. I despise Israel and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. My disdain will reach new heights in 2016. Note carefully that our NSA is still spying on them. Israel will not be allowed to bomb the Iranian nuclear facilities during the upcoming year. We once threatened to shot their attack planes out of the sky if they attacked Iran. That threat remains a lynchpin of our Mideast strategy. It’s clear that the Syrian conflict is fueled by global warming, which remains the greatest threat to the security of America. We will implement, through the EPA and other agencies, the recent Paris accords on climate change with or without Congressional support. The Paris Accords are cleverly drafted to be binding under international law even without Congressional approval. You should not think of investing in coal, or other fossil fuels. The Republicans in Congress renewed the solar and wind subsidies. We will fight fracking and offshore oil. I will declare all federal lands a national monument if necessary. I have substantially reduced our military. We can transfer those funds to social problems. The Navy is done to 280 ships. The Army and Air Force have similarly shrunk. More cuts are to come. We might finally get rid of the effective ground support A 10 Warthogs. Our economic policy is based on two operating principles: redistributionism and increased government regulation since the government is the source of economic prosperity. We must continue to transfer resources to the disadvantaged communities. Michelle will continue to fight for restrictions on unhealthy foods, especially for our children. The criminal justice system is fundamentally unfair. It discriminates against minorities. I will continue to side with my black brothers against the racist police. I will speak out about police shootings while remaining silent on black on black crimes within the inner cities. Restraining the police remains one of the Department of Justice’s priorities. Look for continued criminal prosecutions of corporations on any ground. I will pardon scores of prisoners, and, if necessary, members of my administration. Happy 2016 New Year from Oahu!. I will now return to the links”