Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Fin, the Juvenile Whale Does Malibu

A 40’ long, 40,000 pound fin whale washed ashore between Paradise Cove and Point Dume in Malibu a week ago Monday. Fin was following in the waves of Gidget Does Malibu. Fin, Fin the Mighty Fin  tastefully beached near the residence of Bob Dylan. Barbra Streisand also lives nearby behind a wall of privacy. 

Fin was the victim of a hit and run ship.

Fin is not to be confused with the panga boats smuggling illegals and drugs into Southern California. One of the pangas discharged its cargo on Camp Pendleton, the marine base. 

Residents complained about the stench of the decomposing juvenile whale, which is ironic in that Malibu does not believe in sewage pipes. Malibu is steadfast in relying on septic tanks. The waters off Malibu after a heavy rain are among the most polluted in California.

The residents had a problem. Who do you call for a dead whale?


Apparently not.

If it were Nome, Alaska, polar bears would resolve the issue.

If it were Lane County, Oregon, the local officials would implode a Gray Whale carcass with 20 cases of dynamite. Check out the 1970 “Oregon’s Exploding Whale” YouTube video. Blubber splinters spattered the spectators and totaled a car.

If it were out at sea, Baby Shamu and family would feast on it.

If Fin were alive, the federal apparatus would jump in to protect the endangered species, of which only about 2300 survive along the West Coach.

If Fin had been brought on shore by Homo Sapiens, then the California Coastal Commission would claim jurisdiction, impose draconian conditions, and probably be sued by the Pacific Legal Foundation.

The dead whale was beached by nature, an Act of God during the Christmas Season. The First Amendment’s separation of Church and State precludes the state from intervening.

The government though used a variety of different excuses and jurisdictional issues to escape action.  

A spokesperson for the Los Angeles County of Beaches and harbors said her agency was not responsible since it was a private beach controlled by landowners to the high tide line with the state having control of the tidelands.

The California State Parks said it lacked resources to do anything, eventhough it was sitting on $54 million in hidden funds.

The City of Malibu couldn’t figure out what to do.

A county lifeguard said “It’s not physically capable of being moved because of its condition. It’s so embedded in the sand that they won’t be able to pull it out. The body will be pulled apart.”

The government was paralyzed by the Act of God.

The Bible tells us that God helps those who help themselves. A Malibu homeowners association hired a tugboat, which in the stealth of Thursday night hauled poor Fin 20 miles out to sea for a proper sea burial. Fin was unceremoniously dumped in the Pacific Ocean to swim with the sharks, to be recycled in the chain of life.

Judy Collins did not sing a dirge for the whale. No priest provided the last rites. PETA did not show up.

No permits were asked for, nor obtained from the multitude of federal and state agencies, which might claim jurisdiction.

The residents made it happen. They made it.

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