You’re disappointed, if not a tad miffed, that you are not of the 1,700 who received an invitation to the Royal Wedding. Relax, you can still participate in the festivities and contribute to the British economy in the process.
Just buy a unique Royal Wedding Souvenir with the images of Prince William and the commoner, Kate Middleton.
Look for something special, if not unique.
Anyone can purchase one of the usual cups, mugs, bowls, glasses, spoons, stamps, and commemorative coins. These will soon find their proper place on EBay and Amazon. That’s too déclassé. Besides, they’re mostly made in China – not even Hong Kong, the former British colony.
The Royal family only licenses gifts with class, taste and refinement. The official standards are “good taste, free from any form of advertisement, and no implication of royal custom or approval.”
Therefore, some of the kitsch is tasteless, garish, gaudy, and grotesque. Cash trumps class.
The official rules forbid T-shirts. Thus, no official “My parents went to the Royals and all I got was this cheap T-shirt.” Fear not though, British entrepreneurs are as scornful of trademarks and copyrights as the urchins who show up outside conventions in this former colony with instant T-shirts
There’s rings, and then there’s the brass knuckle engagement rings.
For the truly young, cell phone, mousepads, and I-Phone/Pad apps exist.
The even younger have Pez dispersers, comic books, toy trucks (If only Matchbox could have held survived)the William and Kate Dress Up Dolly Book, jigsaw puzzles, the Franklin Mint Middleton Doll, a teddy bear with the engagement ring, his and her Halloween masks, and bobble heads of the crowned heads.
Kate Middleton wannabes have finger nail decals, “No more Waity Katie Nail Polish,” and perfume.
Ah, but if you can combine many of the royal wedding souvenirs into one, such as going to the Will and Kate fridge, pulling out two “Kiss Me Kate” beers, applying the Will and Kate bottle opener, lying on a Will and Kate cushion (mini or large depending on the gluteus maximus) while placing a Royal celebration CD or DVD in the player. Then retire into the boudoir for the Crown Jewel Heritage sheaths of distinction condoms as you make love with the soft ambiance of Will and Kate Yankee Candles under the Will and Kate Clock. Imagine the newlyweds looking down on you as you copulate.
Why not put also a pair of life-size Will and Kate cardboard cutouts in the room? Some of the past royals have been living and breathing cardboard cutouts.
Take down the American flag proudly hanging in front of your house. Replace it with a large Will and Kate Flag blowing in the wind.
You’ve had too much to eat; proceed to the Will and Kate Royal Toilet Seat, perhaps in memory of Sir Thomas Crapper.
You’re disgusted by now. That calls either for the Will and Kate barf bags, or a look at the royal caricatures.
Bored- the Will and Kate Playing Cards will pass the time with the mystery of who’s the joker.
The proper set, perhaps the Queen herself, can drink tea from Will and Kate tea bags in a Will and Kate teapot in Will and Kate teacups with Will and Kate marmalade on Will and Kate coasters with dainty, but totally unauthorized Will and Kate tea-towels.
You may also have a piece of Will and Kate cake or pie, but they don’t go well with tea or the Will and Kate ale. There's also the classic edibles from Baskin-Robbins, Dunkin Donuts and papa Johns.
Read all about it in a graphic novel.
I swear on my Will and Kate Bible that all these items exist.